


Crack oneshots

by honestlyidkwhatusernametouse



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Gen, Not Canon Compliant, literally all crack
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-09
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-15 12:03:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29933148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/honestlyidkwhatusernametouse/pseuds/honestlyidkwhatusernametouse
Summary: I asked a question for my main HP fanfic and my friend was high when he answered so that's the first chapter.
Kudos: 3





	Crack oneshots

Harry was walking through Diagon Alley in the summer before his fourth year when he saw it. A rock. The sign above it claimed that it would tell the person holding the rock how their mortal enemy would die. Other than that, it was a really pretty rock. Harry looked down the street and shrugged. Why not. He had a few minutes and plenty of money. The Weasleys would never miss him.

A few minutes later he had the rock in a pouch in his pocket. He would put it on his bedside table at Hogwarts. He quickly caught up with the Weasleys and finished the day’s shopping. At the end of the day, they headed back to the Burrow to pack and get ready for the train’s departure in a week.

******************

Halloween brought its own host of problems, and Harry regretted all of his life’s choices. What had he done in a past life to deserve being put in a death tournament against his will, not to mention his entire House now hated him because they thought he did it on purpose. Honestly, they should know by now that things happen to him. He didn’t make things happen. He sat on his bed and grabbed the rock he had bought. He turned it around in his hands and yelped when it started glowing, nearly throwing the rock to get it away from him. Words appeared hovering over the clearly magical rock.

_Tom Riddle’s Greatest Weakness: He relies on idiots._

Harry looked at the words for a long moment. He stared for a long time. Then he snorted. The snort turned into a giggle, quickly followed by full blown laughter. He laughed for a long time before the laughter turned into near sobs. He collapsed back on his pillow and cried for a solid five minutes before falling asleep, exhausted.

**************************

So, it turns out dragons are _really good_ at flying. Which, to be fair, Harry really should have realized this before now, but also to be fair, he’s been a little distracted trying not to die. He barely got the egg, and it was definitely more pure luck than any kind of skill. But he did get the egg, and now he finds out that it shrieks. That’s all it does. No words or anything. Just shrieks. He’s done with this stupid death tournament. Well, he’s _been_ done with it since he heard about it, but now he’s _really_ done with it. Maybe he should just disappear into the Muggle world and be done with the entire wizarding world.

He groans and slams his head into the wall. He can’t just disappear. People would look for him. If not Voldemort for who knows what reason, Dumbledore. He collapses back on his bed and grabs his rock again. He plays with it some and isn’t surprised when it glows. The words pop up again, the same as the last fifty times he tried this. He wonders if he can use this to defeat Tommy boi.

****************************************** 

Long story short, Ron is unfortunately still his best friend. Harry really loves the red-haired idiot, but he’s an idiot. Mermaids. Why in the name of all heck would someone think that going into a lake in February would be a good idea? The Ministry, apparently. He should have known.

Harry flops back onto his bed before sitting up suddenly. _Tom Riddle depends on idiots_. Idiots like Wormtail, who thought it would be a brilliant idea to live as a pet rat for eleven years, and really only luck saved him from the Weasleys not realizing that rats don’t live that long. If Harry were a cowardly rat, how would he go about resurrecting his master? Probably use some dumb ritual that he found in a book.

******************

Harry is _so glad_ he looked up rituals. This one only works if the “enemy” is unaware of what’s happening. If they know, it’s amazingly easy for them to mess it up on purpose. Harry is also glad that he didn’t let Cedric take the Cup with him. Harry focuses on what Wormtail is doing. He’s quoting the textbook word for word. Harry looks around. Yep. There it is. Right next to where Wormtail is standing is the very textbook that Harry found when he was looking up resurrection rituals. Harry snorts quietly, then focuses all his emotions into the ropes holding him to the tombstone.

He manages to free himself and cuts himself shallowly, then rubs dirt into the wound. It’s not the best, but it’s what he can do. He hurriedly ties himself back up. When the ritual calls for “blood of the enemy,” Harry focuses on sending the muddied blood into the cauldron with Voldemort. He’s inordinately pleased when a single drop of the dirt blood goes into the cauldron while Wormtail cuts Harry’s arm open. The second the drop hits the potion, it explodes. Wormtail is standing between Harry and the cauldron, so Harry is saved from the blast. Wormtail, fortunately, is caught completely.

Harry closes his eyes against the flash of light that appears. The bright light shoots out in six different directions, one pointed directly at Harry himself, and one pointed to something on the ground near the cauldron. Excruciating pain shoots through Harry’s forehead and he passes out.

*******************

When he wakes up, he’s still tied to the gravestone. He unties himself and heads over to the Cup. He grabs it and is yanked back to Hogwarts, unaware of the blood pouring from his forehead.

He collapses in front of the crowd when he lands again. Cedric is the first person to reach him. Harry passes out again before he can answer any questions.

After it’s all over, the news delivered to Dumbledore and Harry discovers that he no longer has a scar, Harry collapses on his bed in Gryffindor House. He grabs his rock off the bedside table. He rolls it around in his hands. Nothing happens.


End file.
